The Truth
by mechanabanana
Summary: This is the story of what truly happened to Odysseus on his trip home from the war.


The Truth.

by

Mariah Astulfi.

INTRODUCTION

In ancient times, a war was brewing between Troy and Greece because of one woman. Men were dragged from their homes to fight for the cause. Most got home after the fighting ended, but one man in particular had some troubles with the gods. Many people have read Homer's Odyssey, but few know the truth about what happened to Odysseus, King of Ithaca, on his journey home from the war. We present to you now the true story.

SCENE I

_Waves crashing. Cut to boats on lake. They are clearly Greek warships, with oarsmen and a large sail with a frightening face on it. All the men aboard- dressed in battle togas- are half asleep and exhausted after their victory over Troy. Unnoticed by all, the boat is heading straight towards precarious-looking rocks. When they do notice, it is too late, and it seems as though there is nothing to do but crash and be drowned. They are alert now, and frantically trying to turn the boat before they all are killed. But it can't be done, and just as it seems that there is nothing to save them, ATHENA sends a space-time vortex into their path, sending them into the future and allowing them to escape a watery death. The men do not realize what has just happened, and continue to row the boat. ODYSSEUS spots a dock ahead._

ODYSSEUS: We will land over there. _Points to dock_

CREWMAN: Aye aye, Captain.

_The boat is rowed over to the dock and everyone gets out, ODYSSEUS in the lead. He looks around for a minute, then begins walking. Everyone else follows._

ODYSSEUS: Funny…I don't quite recognize this place. It seems to be a strange land.

ELPENOR: I'm hungry. _Pauses _Hey, what's this? _A car races past him. A look of astonishment crosses his face._ That's the fastest chariot I have ever set eyes on! _He begins chasing after it, and although he is fast, he is not fast enough and the car outstrips him. Before long, it is lost to sight. The rest of the group catches up, panting._

ODYSSEUS: Maybe this land has chariots for hire. Let us see if we can find one. _The men stand in the road, waiting for another car to pass. When one does, they start waving frantically, jumping up and down. The car honks at them and screeches to a halt right in front of the men. They climb onto the back bumper and the trunk. The car's DRIVER gets out of the car._

DRIVER: Hey! What are you doing! Get away from my car!

ODYSSEUS: Slave, I command you to bring us to the city of the Cicones. Comply at once and you will be rewarded. Disobey and you will regret it.

DRIVER: Get off of my car! Freaks! _He starts pushing the Greeks off of his car. They land in a heap in the middle of the road. DRIVER speeds off._

EURYLOCHUS: Great plan, boss. Now what? _Odysseus sighs_

ODYSSEUS: Now, we walk. _They groan and start walking_

SCENE II

_They come to First Congregational Church and notice the columns. ODYSSEUS starts and turns around, running his hand over the column._

ODYSSEUS: I recognize this place. Yon building here seems familiar. _He opens the door. Cut to the inside of a house, where four people are playing XBOX in front of a large TV. The Greeks are enthralled by the video game. The gamers do not notice the men, and continue playing. The Greeks get closer. They still pay no attention. Finally, the Greeks attempt to wrest the controllers away from the gamers. They immediately jump up and start yelling. While one gamer is trying to regain control of his controller, he hits the crewman in the side of the head, causing everyone in the room to pause briefly. The Greeks all turn their heads slowly towards ODYSSEUS, who nods. They simultaneously draw their swords. The gamers are weirded out._

ODYSSEUS: Chaaaaaaaaaaarrgge!

_The Greeks charge the gamers, who are completely helpless. The scene fades out just as the Greeks come within slashing range. When it fades back in, the Greeks are covered in blood and there are three dead bodies on the ground. The last remaining gamer is crawling away, unnoticed but severely wounded._

ODYSSEUS: Good job, men.

_The crewmen begin exploring the house._

ODYSSEUS: We should bring this treasure back to Ithaca with us. _Indicating the TV_

EURYLOCHUS: No, it will be much too difficult to carry. We should stay here, and revel in the spoils of our victory!

CREWMEN: _Cheer_

_ODYSSEUS looks unhappy, but reluctantly agrees. The men discover the refrigerator and begin to ransack it. Other men are poking the TV, sniffing the CD collection, pounding on the piano, etc. Suddenly, the wounded gamer returns, backed by reinforcements of more gamers. They attack the Greeks, who are now outnumbered, and ODYSSEUS and ELPENOR barely manage to escape out the window. The gamers kill many others, then return to the XBOX. ODYSSEUS and ELPENOR run away quickly. As they run, more men in togas join them._

SCENE III

_Greeks are running along a road. They eventually slow down and stop in front of another house, panting._

ODYSSEUS: Elpenor. Go and see who lives here. Perhaps they can provide us with some food. Take one man with you. The rest will stay here.

ELPENOR: Yes, sir. _He enters the house._

_Cue elevator music. We see ODYSSEUS and his men entertaining themselves in various ways. The words "Three hours later" appear across the bottom of the screen. Odysseus stands up._

ODYSSEUS: What is taking them so long?

EURYLOCHUS: I do not know, boss.

ODYSSEUS: Idiot, that was a rhetorical question. They have been in there for quite a while. I shall go find out why. _He enters the house._

CREWMAN 1: Now what?

EURYLOCHUS: _Shrugs, begins a game of solitaire._

_Cut to inside of house. ODYSSEUS hears strains of 'Kumbaya'. Slowly he opens the kitchen door, and sees ELPENOR and CREWMAN 2 sitting on the floor with an obnoxiously dressed hippie. She is feeding them some sort of vegetable, and they all look peaceful and content._

ODYSSEUS: What is this? You were supposed to report back to me!

ELPENOR: _Dreamily_ But this vegetable is ever so wonderful…It makes me so happy…I never want to leave!

HIPPIE: Come, sit a while, and taste my sweet spinach. It will make your troubles vanish like smoke on the wind…

ODYSSEUS: EEW! I hate spinach! 'Tis an evil vegetable!

_He grabs ELPENOR and CREWMAN 2, and he drags them outside. They are crying and screaming that they don't want to leave._

HIPPIE: _From inside _Noooo! Don't give in to the evil meat empire! Animals are our friends, not our food! Noooo… _ODYSSEUS slams the door shut_

EURYLOCHUS: By Zeus, could you have taken any longer in there? CREWMAN 1 here is so hungry that he's delirious.

_Shot of CREWMAN 1 with a dumb smile on his face jumping up and down and dancing like a crazy person._

ODYSSEUS: Quickly, men! Away from here!

_They run away, ODYSSEUS dragging ELPENOR and CREWMAN 2, EURYLOCHUS dragging CREWMAN 1. _

SCENE IV

_Breathless, they arrive at Another One Bites the Crust Pizza Parlor. A sign on the door says,"Back in 5 minutes"._

ELPENOR: I smell food.

CREWMAN 1: Me, too.

_They enter, and walk into the kitchen where the smell is coming from. Hungrily they devour cheese that is lying around, waiting to be put on a pizza. Suddenly the MANAGER enters from the back door. He is an evil-looking man, with an eye patch over one eye. There are suspicious red stains on his apron._

MANAGER: Hey! Who're you! What are you doing!

ODYSSEUS: Greetings, friend. Thank you for your hospitality towards us lost wanderers. The cheese was delicious.

_CREW nods vigorously, agreeing with ODYSSEUS._

MANAGER: _Outraged_ WHAT? YOU ATE MY CHEESE!

_He advances towards them, a meat cleaver in his hand. He walks past them and shuts the door, locking it with a small key. He begins muttering to himself._

MANAGER: Excellent. I was running low on meat. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh.

_He grabs CREWMAN 2 and drags him, struggling, into a small room and slams the door. We hear shouting and thumps. Then there is one loud thump, and it is silent. ODYSSEUS and his remaining men look at each other. The MANAGER emerges, wiping his hands on his apron._

MANAGER: _Menacingly _Who's next?

_ODYSSEUS and his men huddle together in the corner._

ODYSSEUS: _Whispering _I have a plan. An ingenious plan.

EURYLOCHUS: Excellent. Do tell.

ODYSSEUS: Quick, slide that lemon over here.

_EURYLOCHUS does so._

ODYSSEUS: A few squeezes of this in his eye should make him completely blinded. Then, you all will hide in the trash bags, and I'll carry you out.

_They put their hands in the middle of the circle. ODYSSEUS calls out "One, two, three" and they all shout "Break." ODYSSEUS charges the MANAGER and squeezes lemon in his eye. He immediately begins screaming and yelling in pain. The DELIVERY BOY enters, looking concerned._

DELIVERY BOY: Boss, what's wrong?

_ODYSSEUS, hiding behind the door, jumps him and takes his uniform shirt and hat._

ODYSSEUS: _Whispering_ Quick, men, into the trash bags.

_They get in the bags, and ODYSSEUS drags them towards the back door. The MANAGER hears motion, and moves towards them._

MANAGER: Hey! Who's there!

ODYSSEUS: _Imitating the DELIVERY BOY'S voice_ It's just me, boss. I'm taking out the trash.

MANAGER: Come here. Let me feel your hat and shirt.

_ODYSSEUS tries to run the other way, but the MANAGER gets to him first. He runs his hands over the hat and the embroidered logo on the shirt._

MANAGER: All right, go ahead. But hurry back. I've got a lot of orders to fill.

ODYSSEUS: Ok, boss.

_ODYSSEUS drags the bags out the door. As soon as the door closes behind them, the crew jumps out of the bags._

ELPENOR: Nice plan, sir.

ODYSSEUS: Yes, yes, I know.

_They spot some bikes in a bike rack._

EURYLOCHUS: Hey, Captain, I bet we could ride these! It would be a lot faster than walking.

ODYSSEUS: Splendid idea.

_They get on the bikes. They wobble at first, but eventually the men begin to ride smoothly._

SCENE V

_They ride, and eventually we see them in front of yet another house._

ODYSSEUS: _Stops riding, causing ELPENOR to almost crash into him. He sniffs the air. _My god sense is tingling.

_They enter the house to see AEOLUS on a couch with 2 girls clinging to him. There is loud music playing. ODYSSEUS and the crew all bow before AEOLUS._

ODYSSEUS: Oh Aeolus, great god of the wind, I beg you to send us on our way to Ithaca!

AEOLUS: Ok, fine. But first, you must bring me a shrubbery! _Danger music_ And then, you must chop down the mightiest tree in the forest wiiiith…A Herring! _Danger music_

ODYSSEUS: What?

AEOLUS: Oh, never mind. Follow me. _He leads them to another room and Aeolus fills a bright pink balloon from a fan._

AEOLUS:_ Muttering _Take that, Poseidon. Now, this balloon contains all the winds except a west wind to bring you to Ithaca.

ODYSSEUS: Thank you, oh great one.

AEOLUS: Don't mention it.

_ODYSSEUS and his crew leave. ODYSSEUS ties the balloon between his bike's handlebars. They ride away._

_It is night. ODYSSEUS and his men are camped in the woods. Their bikes are lying nearby. Odysseus is sleeping on the ground._

EURYLOCHUS: He is asleep. Now is our chance to see what is in that mysterious bag of his.

_They sneak over to ODYSSEUS' bike and cut the balloon with a knife. It pops loudly, and ODYSSEUS wakes up._

ODYSSEUS: Nooooooo! You fools! You let the winds out of the bag! _The wind picks up. Various objects fly past._

ELPENOR: Erm…we thought…maybe you were…hiding…treasure? _He chuckles nervously, and ODYSSEUS smacks him on the head._

ODYSSEUS: Quickly! Back to Aeolus!

_They ride and arrive at Aeolus' house. ODYSSEUS pounds on the door._

ODYSSEUS: Let us in! I beseech you!

_The door swings open. Aeolus and the girls are on the couch with popcorn, watching a movie._

ODYSSEUS: Oh great lord, I beg your assistance. We were on our way when—

AEOLUS: _Interrupting_ Wait one minute. _Pauses movie _Now, you were saying…

ODYSSEUS: Please, almighty one, send us back on our way…

AEOLUS: YAARGH! You're cramping my style! Get OUT!

_AEOLUS and the girls throw popcorn at the retreating ODYSSEUS. Then they resume watching the movie._

SCENE VI

_Outside of Aeolus' house, ODYSSEUS is brushing popcorn out of his hair._

EURYLOCHUS: Well…

ODYSSEUS: _Disgruntled_ Let us go.

_They ride off in a different direction, eventually arriving at a building. There is a sign that says 'Movie Theater: Now Showing "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers." The illiterate crewmen walk in oblivious of the sign. Inside it is dark and there are giant mean-looking orcs on the screen. The crewmen panic and start yelling._

ODYSSEUS: RUN AWAY!

PEOPLE IN THEATER: SSSSHHH!

_The crew runs out, screaming. They get on their bikes and ride to another house, dropping the bikes in the driveway and entering the garage._

ODYSSEUS: I'll wait here. You go up and see if there's anyone here.

ELPENOR: Anything you say, boss.

_ELPENOR, CREWMAN 1, and CREWMAN 2 leave._

_SEVERAL HOURS LATER_

EURYLOCHUS: Odysseus, they have not returned. I begin to suspect that something is amiss.

ODYSSEUS: I concur.

_They cautiously head in the direction where the others have just gone._

_A HOBO is sleeping in the doorway, leaning on the doorframe. He wakes up as ODYSSEUS and EURYLOCHUS walk towards him._

HOBO: Hello, friends.

ODYSSEUS: Hello.

HOBO: Have you heard of the creepy cat lady who lives in these parts? She kidnaps people and locks them in boxes for her amusement, and she has, like, a thousand cats. But if you give her money then she lets you go. She likes money. Here, have some money. _He hands ODYSSEUS a $5 bill _I stole it from a friend of mine who has a large amount of…genuine, real, legal money. I don't really need it.

_ODYSSEUS bites the bill, but it tastes a little funny…He makes a face_

ODYSSEUS: Thank you, kind stranger.

HOBO: Oh, don't worry about it. _He goes back to sleep. ODYSSEUS and EURYLOCHUS continue walking up the stairs. They arrive in a room and see CIRCE sitting on the floor and acting normally, which most people would consider to be oddly. She is humming an evil sounding tune and laughing every now and then as some boxes move around. ODYSSEUS bounds into the room, wielding the $5 bill like a weapon._

ODYSSEUS: Unhand my men, evil witch!

CIRCE: What…Who art thou?

ODYSSEUS: I am Odysseus, King of Ithaca, sacker of Troy and Ismarus, land of the Cicones.

CIRCE: The who of the what and the what now?

ODYSSEUS: Free my men!

CIRCE: No!

ODYSSEUS: Yes!

_They continue for a few minutes. Odysseus' orating skills are overrated._

CIRCE: FINE! Fine! You win! Give me that money and you can have your little friends.

ODYSSEUS: Yess! _High fives EURYLOCHUS_

EURYLOCHUS: Good job, boss.

CIRCE: You must be hungry after your voyage. Eat now, and I shall release these poor men. _She does so. They all jump up and down, happy to be alive and human. Then she takes them out on to the balcony overlooking the backyard. _Now, do you really want to leave this splendor? _They all shake their heads vigorously._

_  
_CIRCE: That's what I thought. Now, I'll order some pizza and you all can relax.

_She orders the pizza and it comes. They eat._

ELPENOR: Let us have another!

CREW: Yeah! Great idea!

_They order more pizza. Time passes._

_One Year Later_

_ODYSSEUS and his crew go outside and see their bikes are rusted. This makes them angry._

EURYLOCHUS: No! Not our transportation devices! This is your fault, evil witch!

CIRCE: No, it's not!

EURYLOCHUS: Yes, it is!

_This continues for a while._

CIRCE: _exasperated _Fine! Fine! It's my fault! I admit it!

ODYSSEUS: Then you must pay with your life!

CIRCE: Wait! I have information that may be of use to you on your journey.

ODYSSEUS: Why didn't you tell us before?

CIRCE: I had no reason to. You were too busy eating.

ODYSSEUS: Hmph.

CIRCE: I've got this friend; she is a very special person. She can talk to the dead. And other special psychic things. Go see her, and she will tell you how to get home.

ODYSSEUS: Wait. How did you know we were trying to get home?

CIRCE: I know everything! Buahahahaha.

ODYSSEUS: Then why can't you tell us how to get home?

CIRCE: Because I don't want to. Anyways it would anger Poseidon if I helped you any more. Now GO!

ODYSSEUS: Ok, ok. We're going. _They leave on foot._

_Elpenor is still eating pizza on the balcony, unnoticed by ODYSSEUS. The men continue running and are soon out of earshot._

CIRCE: By the way, you forgot your friend here.

_All of a sudden ELPENOR falls asleep and falls off the roof. We see him lying in a heap on the concrete._

SCENE VII

_They walk/run and eventually arrive at a psychic studio. They go inside after matching the picture on the card Circe gave them to the picture on the door._

ODYSSEUS: This must be the place. Onward!

_They go in. The room is dark and smoky with lots of weird things. The PSYCHIC sits at a table behind a crystal ball and has her eyes shut. She is wearing a turban and lots of jewelry and crazy robes, and there is a third eye painted on her forehead. She is facing backwards, but turns around, stroking an evil looking kitty as the men walk in._

PSYCHIC: Welcome. I've been awaiting your arrival.

ODYSSEUS: We were told that you could help us get home.

PSCYCHIC: One who holds the answers lies beyond the veil…

ODYSSEUS: What veil? That veil? _Points to a scarf covering a doorway. He goes to lift it up._

PSYCHIC: _Stops being mystical _Hey! _slaps him on the wrist_ Get away from there! _Becomes mystical again _No…the veil I speak of divides the worlds, the world of the living and the world of the dead. _Loses mysticality _And also the worlds of the past and of the present, and somehow you lot managed to slip through and throw the energies into chaos!

ODYSSEUS: Oh…sorry. _Clearly has no idea what she is talking about_

PSYCHIC: Never mind that. Give me your hand. _Odysseus does so. She grabs it with her hand, complete with clawlike red fingernails and lots of bracelets, etc._

PSYCHIC: Ah, yes. Your hand tells all. You will not reach home. I see…_ Closes her eyes and breathes deeply _I see a bleak, dismal future, fraught with mishap, disaster, and finally painful death. I am sorry. _Loses mysticality _That will be $35. _Becomes mystical _Incidentally, don't press the button._ Goes all John Edwards on "Crossing Over"-like. _By the way, do any of you know an Elpenor?

ODYSSEUS: _Gasps _Elpenor! Where is he?

_The men look around._

CREWMAN 1: Um…

CREWMAN 2: It looks like he's not here.

ODYSSEUS: _Turning to the psychic _How did you know we had one named Elpenor with us?

PSYCHIC: He's contacting you from beyond the veil… He says you left him at CIRCE'S.

ODYSSEUS: We must return for him at once!

PSYCHIC: _Concentrating _I wouldn't bother. He says he took a nasty fall off the balcony. I'm afraid he's… _dead._

CREWMAN 1: Oh.

CREWMAN 2: Well… That explains something.

PSYCHIC: _Still concentrating _He would like you to return for his body.

ODYSSEUS: _Shrugs off news of his crewman's death, instead thinking about the other part of her prophecy. _Okay, we'll do that. But how do you know we won't get home? Huh? _defiantly _I don't believe you.

PSYCHIC: The shape of your hand, the mounts and ridges, the nails, and position of the fingers--each element reveals something new about your personality, your future; left and right hands cover different aspects of your life. The head, heart, fate line and the Apollo line show how content with life you are.

_ODYSSEUS drools in boredom, eyes rolling back in his head._

PSYCHIC: Oh, never mind. You will never understand.

ODYSSEUS: _Sarcastically _Is that written on my hand as well?

PSYCHIC: Actually, yes.

ODYSSEUS: Come, men. Let us leave this place and hurry to the nearest temple. Surely Zeus will offer better guidance. But first…we must return for our fallen comrade.

_They leave._

PSYCHIC: Hey! Wait! You owe me $35!

SCENE VIII

_Back at Kriste's house. All the crew is gathered around the fallen body of ELPENOR. They are poking it with sticks. _

EURYLOCHUS: Yup, he's definitely dead.

ODYSSEUS: I concur. Let us give him a proper funeral.

_They dump him into a hole and then pour in some wine._

ODYSSEUS: _Solemnly _Rest in peace.

_They walk up to Circe's chamber. She greets them like old friends and orders pizza. They eat happily._

CIRCE: Odysseus, I must talk to you.

_ODYSSEUS swallows some pizza_

ODYSSEUS: Ok.

CIRCE: There are some dangers I must warn you of.

ODYSSEUS: I'm listening.

CIRCE: When you return to your ship, you must pass the perils of the Sirens, the sweetly singing women who lure men to their deaths, Scylla, the six-headed monster, Charbydis, the whirlpool, and finally… The Easy Button.

ODYSSEUS: _ODYSSEUS has been unfazed by the descriptions of the monsters, but freaks out about The Button _No! Not The Button! Anything but The Easy Button!

CIRCE: Quiet. First you must pass the Sirens. To avoid hearing their song, plug your men's ears with iPod headphones and turn the music up as loud as the iPod can go. Hearing damage is better than the fate that awaits you if you hear their song.

CIRCE: Next, you must pass the straits of Scylla and Charybdis. You must pass beneath the cave of Scylla, who will devour six of your men. It's better for you to lose six men than lose your entire crew and ship to Charybdis.

_ODYSSEUS looks unhappy, as he doesn't even have six men, but stays quiet._

CIRCE: Finally, you must pass The Land of the Easy Button. Ignore all commercials that tell you to push it. It will NOT make your return trip easier. The commercials lie.

ODYSSEUS: Ok… I'll remember that.

CIRCE: Remember, don't push The Easy Button!

_As ODYSSEUS and his men leave, CIRCE hands them each an iPod._

SCENE IX

_The men are on a beach. ODYSSEUS and his men have the headphones in their ears._

ODYSSEUS: Ready, men? Turn on your iPods!

_The men continue walking down the beach. Perched on some rocks off the shore are several girls in black dresses. They're singing. ODYSSEUS and his men are all dancing to "Jerk It Out" from the iPod commercial. They don't even look at the Sirens, who look a little annoyed that they're being ignored. ODYSSEUS and his men continue on their way._

SCENE X

_Cut to a bathroom. ODYSSEUS and his men are now represented by Lego men. They are sailing in a ship, which is floating in a bathtub full of water. The drain is CHARYBDIS, and SCYLLA is a sock puppet._

VO ODYSSEUS: Stay away from the whirlpool!

_Just then, SCYLLA strikes, killing six of ODYSSEUS' Lego Men._

VO ODYSSEUS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SCENE XI

_Back to ODYSSEUS on the real boat._

EURYLOCHUS: Hey, there is an island.

_ODYSSEUS looks alarmed_

ODYSSEUS: What island? I don't see an island.

EURYLOCHUS: It's right there. Let us stop and rest.

ODYSSEUS: Let us not.

CREWMAN 1: But I'm hungry and tired, and we should replenish our supplies.

ODYSSEUS: Fine, fine. But before we land, I must warn you. DO NOT PUSH THE EASY BUTTON!

EURYLOCHUS: Why would we push The Easy Button?

ODYSSEUS: Just don't do it.

_EURYLOCHUS shrugs, and they land on the island. Just then, the wind dies completely, leaving the men with no way off the island. ODYSSEUS finds The Easy Button, and falls asleep guarding it. The men find him sleeping, and study the button with interest._

EURYLOCHUS: Hey, look! That's an Easy Button! I bet if we push it we can go home!

Crewman 2: But Odysseus said we shouldn't push the button.

EURYLOCHUS: Yeah, well, Odysseus can be wrong sometimes. He's only mortal. Push the button so we can get off this rock.

_Crewman 2 pushes the button, and immediately the wind picks up enough to send them home. ODYSSEUS wakes up, and sees that his men have pushed the button._

ODYSSEUS: Quick, into the ship!

_EURYLOCHUS looks pleased with himself. They've been sailing for a few hours when a storm hits._

_Back to the bathtub. Water is sloshing over the sides of the boat. CHARYBDIS flips over the boat, and ODYSSEUS hangs on for dear life. Eventually CHARYBDIS spits the boat back up, and ODYSSEUS escapes. Everyone else dies._

SCENE XII

_ODYSSEUS is holding on to wreckage when he drifts to the beach. He immediately falls asleep. While he sleeps, someone calls the customs officials. They lock him in jail._

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL 1: So, you thought you could sneak into America, did you. Well, I spend my life arresting illegal immigrants like you. I can't stand you people, stealing money, resources, and jobs from _real _Americans.

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL 2: You're going to be deported just as soon as we get around to it – which could be awhile.

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL 1: You picked the wrong time to enter America. Under the Patriot Act, we can hold you for as long as we want without charging you with a crime.

_laugh insanely. ODYSSEUS is confused._

SCENE XIII

_Seven years later. ODYSSEUS sits twiddling his thumbs._

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL 1: Well, someone has a god looking out for him.

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL 2: Yeah, since we found no evidence that you were even an illegal immigrant or terrorist, our boss says we have to let you go.

_They let ODYSSEUS go. ODYSSEUS wanders around before he builds a raft. He sets sail again._

SCENE XIV

_Cut to ODYSSEUS floundering in the water, surrounded by a little bit of wreckage. INO approaches ODYSSEUS._

INO: Athena sends you these water-wings to send you back to your own time.

_ODYSSEUS puts them on, and there is another time warp. He wakes up on the Phaecian's beach. We hear the sound of girls playing a game on the other side of some rocks. Suddenly, ODYSSEUS stands up and is now visible._

MAID 1: Oh, my gods! There is a man over there!

MAID 2: No kidding.

NAUSICAA: Well, every stranger comes from Zeus, so we should be nice to him.

MAID 1: Hello, strange man!

ODYSSEUS: Hello, gracious maidens, please, I beg you, give me food and send me on my way.

NAUSICAA: OK.

_They leave the beach._

SCENE XV

_There is a crowd of people on the beach and ODYSSEUS is dressed in nice clothes and carrying treasure. They all wave goodbye as he sets off in his ship with one Phaecian oarsman. ODYSSEUS feels around for the motor, but not finding one, he looks confused for a moment._

ODYSSEUS: Where's the magical fast-lever?

ATHENA: Oops! I forgot to wipe your memory. _Waves her fingers _There we go. All better.

_Odysseus picks up an oar and starts rowing. Soon he ends up at a beach. He lands and falls instantly asleep._

SCENE XVI

_Odysseus wakes up. The boat is gone._

ODYSSEUS: Where am I? That rapscallion! That fustillarian! He stole my gifts and dumped me somewhere in the middle of nowhere! _He slams his fist down, and it hits his treasure._

ODYSSEUS: Ok, well, he didn't take the gold, but where am I?

_ATHENA arrives, disguised as a young child._

ATHENA: Hello.

ODYSSEUS: What is this place?

ATHENA: It's Ithaca. Surely you've heard it.

ODYSSEUS: Hooray! I'm home! _Athena removes her disguise _Hey, you're Athena, aren't you?

ATHENA: Yes, ok, ok, now hurry, the suitors are planning to ambush your son and marry your wife.

ODYSSEUS: Oh no!

_They leave._

SCENE XVII

_The screen goes black. Words appear on it._

As we all know, there was a bloody and violent battle in Book 22 that will be omitted here due to lack of time, insufficient funds, and no extras willing to be killed in horrific ways. We apologize for any inconvenience to ancient peoples who enjoy watching violence.

EPILOGUE

After Odysseus proceeded to "do away with" all of his enemies, he was asked to relate his tale to the folk of the town. Since his memory of the events had been wiped, Athena quickly intervened with ancient day equivalents to what he had experienced. A young man by the name of Homer was listening intently to his tales, and the Odyssey that we now enjoy was born.

21


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